Category Archives: Friends

“Excuse me but I have to look for these spiders so I can’t get married now…”

People my age are getting married. MARRIED! At 22, 23 24!

They say living expenses have gone up so much that they can’t afford to pay separate rents or transport costs etc.

(living together is not an option for them as most of them come from so-called “bhadro” Bangali families who refuse to acknowledge the fact that their kids have an active libido, have dirty dreams at night and would like to check if they are sexually compatible with their partners before getting hitched.  As for the kids, there’s this invisible umbilical cord that ties them to their mommies hundred miles away and keeps them from doing what they want lest mommies disapprove. That’s okay with me. But when the same people complain that their mommies are not letting them grow up, that is not okay with me.)

Yeah so, people are getting married. People my age. And here I am still wondering whether I have radioactive spiders in my room and the like.

I love him. Like something more than heartbreakingly insane.

But I know I wouldn’t marry a hot, brooding, billionaire masked vigilante, even if he asks for my hand in marriage and goes to the extent of committing the cardinal sin (in his case, killing a human soul) to convince me. (He won’t him. I know him too well. And I digress. ). At least not now. Right now I am happy. And I want to be left in peace while I search for those radioactive spiders.


“All these bad bad talks…”

RDM and I have this ritual-we’d sometimes sit and discuss the most embarrassing things we have done/said/believed in and try to see who gets freaked out by the other’s confession first. Some of the stories are plain people-repellent; the sheer magnitude of depravity, stupidity is incredible and disturbing in many levels and I won’t try to gross you out describing how bad they are. (Don’t judge. RDM is a normal god-fearing happy-go-lucky geek-turned-cool dude type-turned occasionally geeky guy and at first glance, there’s simply nothing to suggest that there is something wrong with yours truly.) But we do take this game very seriously. So when he says that when he was a kid he used to wear mascara and pink jeans and guffaws like this is the joke of the century, I come up with a  “When I was a kid, I used to think you have to tie condoms around your waist when you’re having sex.”.

Flashback. I used to be a precocious prudish dumb kid. At the ripe old age of thirteen I had fallen in love with a guy who I thought resembled Akshay Kumar( yes now, you’re allowed to judge. Or plain stop reading to save me from cringing in embarrassment at the mere thought of someone being privy to secrets of my shameful past *what drama*). For me, love was all about running in the slo-mo towards each other; what’d people do after they meet I had no freaking clue about. (sort of like the Joker comparing himself to a dog running behind a car…in a really really snigger-inducing eyebrow-archingly uncool way). I thought kissing on cheeks led to babies. Holding hands in public was looked upon as a moral crime. After marriage, people would kiss each other’s necks and thus make babies. I used to have a very one-track mind back then. Study your ass off, stuff your face, read books, go to sleep on time, wear ugly oversized shapeless clothes and be a ‘good’ girl, whatever philosophy defines ‘good’.

Like all normal people with their normal quota of raging hormones but trying to suppress them because ‘good boys and girls don’t do bad things’, I used to indulge in some harmless boy-watching in school, discuss boys with the best friend AD, stand in the corridors like the poster girl of loserdom for one glimpse of that senior who had helped me answer GK questions in an exam and had a cute dimple that reminded me of Shah Rukh Khan. (Leave NOW I say :-|)

Sex was an entirely different planet altogether. Peno-vaginal intercourse was a concept I came to be aware of very late, like really late but more on that later; I feel mortified now. A very volatile proximity between hormones and almost puritanical denial of them was what my adolescence had been all about. And of course, if you’re the only girl in a family with equal number of older and younger brothers, the latter will always pretend throughout their childhood/adolescence that you didn’t exist and will only find you useful when they need a human punching bag( who kicked right back. yes. I think half my childhood and most of my parents’/grandparents’/uncles’/aunts’ patience went in breaking up our fights, bloody, loud and laden with abuses like ‘shuor’, (meaning pig/pig-faced, cuss words for 10 year olds). Only from snatches of secretly whispered conversation could I gather little nuggets of wisdom and information that shaped my entire (albeit meager) fund pre-adulthood sexual knowledge.

Like I had an idea that condoms were useful during sex but the way my red-in-the-face, tight-arsed, why-doesn’t-my-little-sister-play-with-dolls-anymore thinking elder brother explained to me, I came to think of it as a tablet. (In my defense, I was really small). When, much later, I had looked it up in the dictionary ( while younger brother kept close watch lest some nuisance in the form of a parent would come along…yes we were that …what’d do you call it?…weird? juvenile? ), I thought it said something about ‘rubber’ and promptly reached the conclusion that it was a belt to tie around the waist. (I am not a disgusting person. I am somewhat quick to draw conclusions. And I am perceptive like that only.) After this, the brother plain gave up on explaining.

Then there had been days when my much wiser, more knowledgeable self was asked by an enthusiastic pre-teen, questions like ‘what is a condom?’ “have you ever seen a condom?”; all of it had been going on in a roomful of ‘good girls don’t mix with boys’ thinking parents with my own set in an earshot. So I explained with prissy elder sisterly disapproval that a> these are adult things; you will understand when you grow up b> I don’t know (which my brother followed up with a ‘big surprise there’) c> helpless, Alan-sque expression. If you are lucky the kid will get bored and find better ways of extracting answers; if you are blessed with the luck of yours truly, he will keep pressing you for answers as the parents stare at you-days that I put down as plain bad karma. And you have to come up with really smart ways of bypassing the little tyke (no ‘I have to go to the loo‘ doesn’t work. ask me) or you have to field questions from an angry set of parents who will think that their biggest fear has come true-you are sexually active or in their words “my son/daughter has turned bad now..waaaaa!”

Cut to scene 1-weird conversation ended with RDM being unable to bring himself to look me in the eye while yours truly was trying to figure out whether she should feel jubilant for freaking him out first or plain moronic. Being the uncomplicated soul that she is, she settled for jubilant.

Big surprise there.

Four years in an engineering college have amounted to


Seriously, what should I write for a caption?

This is brainchild of RDM, with very valuable inputs from J and Yours Truly.

This, people, is a DFA or Deterministic Finite Automata as it is popularly known as. The circles(if you can call it that) represent various states in a process and the words on the arrows are the conditions to jump from one state to another.I can’t provide any better explanation than this.

Seriously geeky stuff, even most of the techies who claim to actually understand it are lying. Take my word for it.

A Weekend (post in want of an appropriate title btw)

Okay so I went and stayed over at the Best Friend’s place this weekend. I don’t remember when was the last time I had gone. But I do remember the T-Rex in our para hatching out of its egg.(Pliss to excuse if they are mammals.) Masi, the BFM(Best Friend’s mother who’ll be referred to as BFM henceforth for all purpose and intent) had threatened to sever all ties with me and the BF(that’s so NOT my boyfriend btw) had similar intentions too9or maybe dismemberment?).

Yeah so I went there and had a really really fun weekend after a long time. Usually my weekends are spent in a grubby classroom, slogging my guts out over CAT quantitative aptitude(I misspelt this tetrasyllabic word twice if you are up for some useless information). Then I am found walking from Jodhpur Park, muttering to myself,singing much to the world’s disdain or dreaming about the cute guy who just took our class. The rest of the day can be a treatise on my non-existent social life,when I just stick to my room,eating crumbs off the bed(yes I know it’s gross.), peeping out rarely like a scared rabbit to prove it to my mom that I am not really dead,stroll out for lunch/dinner,crawl back and stay there.

I have had enough describing it and I know you’re two-minutes away from losing patience too :P.  So, this weekend, I beleive I had gained back more calories than I have lost during last week’s pathetic 30 minutes workout session (VH1 and me screaming at the top of my voice,if you’re interested). The BF showed off her insanely good culinary(another word which I always misspell) skills by cooking the yummiest cheese pasta I’ve ever had. I almost caught her gloating and smirking like an evil goat over my lack of cooking skills X-( .Then she had a brainwave and orders port wine. I was expecting she’d rob a bank or something because both of us would look convincing on the World Bank type poverty ads. But then the wine was a Made in Nashik product, and came amazingly cheap at just 150 bucks. somewhere aorund 150. So I forgive her for deriding me over my inability to cook.

The BF and her BF had an hour long screamfest while I sat and drank and called up random people. Twaa, my long-lost-twin-at-the-Kumbh-Mela ranted about every possible topic under the sun happily ignoring my ominous warnings about his upcoming exams. See why I am so socially awkward sometimes? 😦

In between Boss #1 called and I didn’t pick it up because it was put on silent mode.(Or maybe the BF’s screams were deafening). The missed call triggered off a series of panic attacks. A slideshow of pictures of an unemployed,veryvery broke me started running in my head. I was a little too tipsy to call back and so spent the whole night imagining a showdown the next morning with him ceremoniously kicking me out of the job(in his defense: he is really a sweet and understanding man and doesn’t deserve a slacker like me as a subordinate.) The BF’s BF talked to me a couple of times and each time he tried to talk about the fight,he ended up guffawing. I didn’t. I am good(and well, I had to spend the night with that woman in the same room without getting killed and I am sorry it came out all wrong). Then I roamed about and took pictures of every conceivable corner of the house.(Someday the shutterbug in my head will get the better of me when someone files an Invasion of Privacy complaint) 😛

The desk in its usual pleasant self. Oh, and don't miss the amazingly cheap wine!

The night passed with the BF^2 making up. Then we finished the wine,and got gloriously tipsy which kind of loosened our tongues. So much so that at 5, I realised I have a really sore throat that itched and my voice has gone all hoarse(not the sexy cowboyish hoarse). She passed out at 6 while I stayed up till 6.30 reading Sweet Valley Twins(listen, that’s for old time’s sake okay?). Woke up at 12 to find that the Boss wants me to do 20 articles on some inane topic which probably doesnn’t even exist in this world(his way of getting back at me). I ate stone cold garlic bread and cold salad and typed out rubbish while the BF slept on, occassionally snoring beautifully. I looked at myself in the mirror for a couple of minutes and realised how EXACTLY I look like a convict. Or a demon from a cheap B-grade mytholgical soap. I am so not cut for the job I dream of.

But the weekend was fun. We went out for long walks,tried to avoid talking about the future and ended up doing exactly so, had tea at this ramshackle roadside stall overlooking a lake and the beautiful Kolkata EM Bypass. A glorious storm also raged the city and I got completely drenched,dancing Bharatnatyam in the rain.

That's Yours Truly and not a baby gorrila in red

Armageddon.Minutes before the storm

Ching who posed because I threatened her.

The Bf who ruined this could-have-been masterpiece :(. and check out, it's spirit photography too!

One of the happiest times spent together in a long long time.I don’t know what else to write. But in the meantime I do realise how exactly I sound like the BF is my BF. as in boyfriend.

P.S: BF didn’t gloat. I was trying to soothe my injured ego. Okay no more lame lines henceforth.

I love you BF. 16 years and still going strong. You never judge, never are unnecessarily sarcastic, hear me out without clenching your teeth(or making a good show of not doing it maybe 😀 ), make absolutely delicious fudge cakes and pasta, love Enid Blyton and Mills & Boons and understands me. I could marry you some day you know? 😀


10 hours before monstrous test.

“….Psychic spies from China….”

Phone rings.

 RDM(with whom I had the stellar conversation on flipflops): have you finished this combinatorics(name of aforementioned test subject) twillight?

 YT:What is Twillight?

 RDM: huh! as if you dunno you freaky vampire-lover!

YT:accha! so Twillight is the new face of exam-related abuses.

RDM:yes.a substitute for word that says it all!

YT: Why are you so up in arms against Twillight and everything remotely related to it?I have a sneaky feeling that you’re secretly jealous of Edward Cullen.You want to be like him

 RDM: Hell no I don’t! he’s ‘pretty’ if you know what I mean!

YT:so are Taylor Swift,Holly Valence,Megan Fox….so you fancy him as well.

 RDM: no I don’t. and shut your dare you compare those paragons of beauty to gay vampires who wear lipsticks and remain in a teenage girl’s room all night even though there’s a 186 years age difference between them!!!

 YT: huh! SRK wears does Tom Cruise. and you had put mascara in your eyes once for going by your asinine logic,I can say FB predicted wrongly about the percentage of available traces of homosexuality in you.the numbers should have been in a reverse order.

 RDM: No.Your Edward Cullen is a creepy sexual predator with teenage fetish. is that better than being gay??

YT: You sound vindictive dude.Did some man break your heart thereby causing you to hate all men alike?and btw,Cullen was being loving,caring,protective and romantic when he crept into her room at night.

 RDM:oh yeah! go on…fucking double standards…whenever I try so much as to take a peek in my neighbour’s bedroom,I am a creep and when Cullen does it,he is all those….women!!!!!

YT: exactly!! women appreciate it if your intensions are nice.Cullen a> wanted to make sure that Bella’s alright. b> wanted to spend time looking at the love of his life.yes,I spare you the melodrama but it’s kinda romantic.Women like it.Now you tell me,what are your motives and you’ll be branded accordingly.

 RDM: kinda b>(only with benefits….;)

YT: yeah.benefits.very ambiguous.women hate ambiguity.

 RDM:isn’t that an oxymoron?women hating ambiguity which is so characteristic of them??

YT: heh.I’ll give you that.anyway paraphrase:women hate ambiguity when it comes from men.

 RDM:uh huh!! chaalbaaj!

 YT:exactly.who isn’t my friend?

RDM: I am not.I am an honest deep soul.

 YT:uh huh.

RDM:I want to get married.

YT(double take):why?what has this got to do with your marriage??

 RDM: I want to marry ****.

I refrain from taking The Name as it’s a public forum and I don’t want to die a premature death.

 YT:Okay.go ahead.

RDM:Sniff! I am not even 20!

 (@RDM:I sincerely hope you’ll not read this and kill me for revealing your true age.I assure you none of my single hot female friends will mind)

 YT:fake have influential friends.

RDM: but kalke porikkha toh!…(but tomo there’s an exam toh!)

YT:accha tui kalkei biye korbi?? exam er por e korish then. ar toh 14 hours…(ok,so you want to get married tomo? do it after the test..only 14 hours wait)

RDM: yeah right. wouldja please pay for my rents and college fees and booze parties and honeymoon and kid’s school when my mom kicks me out??

 YT:kid’s school??? so you’re a loser who’ll not manage to get a job by then?? go to hell.don’t marry.

 RDM: hutt. ****’s parents are rich!

YT:yucks! you’ll take dowry??

RDM:nono! it’s blessings.don’t label it like that,I am hurt.

YT:wareva! for that you havta study and get good grades.

RDM: even in tomo’s test??

 YT(saintly smile):yes!

 RDM:so what am I doing here??

 YT:narrating marriage plans,homophobic views and your deep-seated admiration for Edward Cullen.

 RDM:don’t think that because I don’t beat up women,I won’t hit you.You are not a woman.You are my unofficial bhai.

 YT: bah! Edward er moto ho! dekhbi toke **** koto bhalobashbe!…(be like Cullen.and see just how much she loves you)

RDM: Edward academics e kirom chhilo??(how was he in academics??)

YT:no idea! guess good.

 RDM:accha I gotta go.kal exam na??bye.

uh huh! and you’d still insist that you don’t emulate him!

Sometimes it happens that the silliest memories makes you laugh hysterically and feel euphoric afterwards.That feeling of euphoria subsides but in turn makes you feel grounded,calm,happy,focussed and protected.The belief that you’re equally entitled to have something good happening to you makes you feel lighter,less suspicious and more peaceful. Because yes,it is true.We all deserve to have something good happening to us.Cynicism wont help.It’s better to believe,trust and fall than to be cold and drive everyone away.I had been there and done that and trust me,in the end,you’re left completely alone as a lonely,cold,suspicious,cranky,shattered person with no one around.Some can escape.Like I did.With lots and lots of help from the completely insanely amazing people I call my friends.Most cant.And die a lonely death.I believe now that there’s no harm in believing.One word of apology or frank discussion can bring back a lost friend.One smile can make new friends.A little bit of adjustment can go a long way in strengthening relationships and make you a happier person.One good gesture,simple thought can actually solve a hell lot of problems.There’s no point in complicated thinking.I realised the more understanding I am,the more understanding people will be towards me.I think,it’s the amazing puja spirit that’s done this to me.But for the first time,I am not rubbishing anything good. I am happy.yes I am very very happy.

This puja has been amazing.True,I tore my sari,my feet are bloody and blistered,I have gained at least 5 kgs,I am sleep-deprived and my white Converse is now completely black,but I never felt so content. I can finally eat a chocolate without cribbing about gaining weight.It’s this feeling of togetherness,the bond that is forged between us all.The puja saw people breaking all sorts of barriers-social,communal,language,ego-to come out together and enjoy.It’s like a message to all the people who’re so steeped in violence that they don’t believe in something good anymore.Come out of your shell,be together and you’ll be the happiest person on earth.

I think finally after a really really long spell of darkness,anger and loneliness,I am happy.and at peace.And a better person than I used to be.I can believe or love without any hope or agenda because a belief can take me a long way and support me.I know this from personal experience-how a strong hope can change the course of your life for the better,steer you ahead and make you successful and happy.So henceforth,I’ll believe in goodness of the world and my life and act accordingly.

Love you all.

Shubho Bijaya. 🙂

I am at peace.

Take a deep breath and look forward to a new beginning.With the blessings,friendly hands,warm words,pleasant touches,laughter and memories of the past in heart.Who says living in the past makes you dead? I think it has helped me morph into a stronger,better person.

I love you.Thank you for being.