Where I hold the one sitting up there responsible for everything and feign ignorance when my doing is being questioned

Dear God,

If you haven’t been living under a rock for the past gazillion years, you will know and understand how it breaks my heart to see a man, insanely hot and as beautiful as a dream, who apparently is not a jerk, a camera slave and paparazzi whore,  who is not known for throwing his weight around in spite of being a brilliant man and one of the sexiest alive, who has portrayed the role of my favorite superhero right after Batman right next to Iron Man, who has been a delightful Academy awards host, whose smile and incredibly deep baritone voice makes my knees wobble and turns my occasionally man-hating, feminist bullshit-spewing self into a mushy, gushy, gooey mess, married for the past fifteen years.

In an industry that never fails to entertain us with its stories of high profile divorces, it is wonderful to know that he and his wife have been together for a record fifteen years.

// Note to reader: I am a celeb gossip whore and my imagination often spirals out of control based on what I read up online. So what? Move on.

It just goes to show that he is The One material and thus it breaks my heart further to know that another The One type guy is lost to Marriagedoom Marriagedom (sic); another man who is a total freaking keeper for more reasons than one just decides to get hitched like that without sparing a thought for all the gazillion single women in the world who are giving each other a stiff competition in kissing the highest number of frogs and toads and other varieties of amphibians in their bid to find the One.

See, all I am saying is that nice, funny, talented and hot men shouldn’t be double (opposite of single. Got it? Okay. ).At least till I and the sisterhood have had our share of kissing frogs and the like and have found The One. You can do something about it right?

As of now, it just seems that you are ready to do little more than just sit there and shrug or laugh at our misery.

Look., we have made 100 MB Excel spreadsheets listing the qualities we want in our men (which inadvertently and automatically get deleted when we format computers and forget to take backups); we have got drunk and called up exes and potential The One’s/ flings and have had conversation embarrassing enough to give us nightmares for a lifetime and make us doubt our social as well as inter/intra-gender socializing skills; we have read and re-re…-re-read and dissected texts and Gtalk chats; we have called up BFFs at 2 in the morning to tell them the conversations we have had; we have bnursed broken hearts and considered getting our heads checked for having acted like juvenile idiots and whatnots.

It looks funny from the outside but from the inside, our heads often resemble an exploding meth lab. And some of us have this habit of crawling into our respective comfort zones which aren’t very comfortable at the end of the day.

All this is a hint that we could do with some help here to increase the availability of potential The One type men. (And it’d be bloody good if they came in packages like that of the aforementioned actor. ) So automatically, by the Principle of Conservation of Mass, the number of frogs/toads will go down.  But obviously you can’t take a hint, even when we give you subtle indicators like “God! Help me find a The One type man” etc.

Screw everything else, save the single hot intelligent funny genuinely nice The One type men. I will have you known that I won’t take no for an answer this time. And if you don’t oblige kindly note that when I go to heaven (or be consigned to the lowest layers of Hell but somehow sneak out and hitchhike my way to heaven) I will bore you with insanely mundane details of science fiction and the like. Do remember that I am the alpha nerd in whatever group I hang out with and I do know for a fact that everybody hates boring science fiction trivia and notsofunfacts. It is a somewhat people-repellent trait, works on supposedly potential The One type men the most.

So don’t be a master of misdirection and kindly look into our situation. And go tell the aforementioned celeb that it isn’t fair the way he ditched us all-even someone like Yours Truly who is simply not wired to settle down would have given an arm to marry him (that is just a figure of speech. Okay? Okay.)

So there.

Yours not-till-you-do-something

YT

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2 responses to “Where I hold the one sitting up there responsible for everything and feign ignorance when my doing is being questioned

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