Okay so..

1> Sadomasochistic friend and her equally sadomasochistic boyfriend were *this* close to killing each other, but they stopped before reason had completely abandoned them. Went for counseling and they’re doing good. Which means I (hopefully) no longer have to stay up late, waiting for a call that will say one of them has been shot by the other and have a mini heart attack.

2>  I. don’t. like. An’s. new. girlfriend. And obviously he can’t take a hint. Even after I gave him subtle indicators like ‘I don’t like your girl.’. What is wrong with her? Well everyone has a different theory but I’d go with-she is meek but unpleasantly obstinate (and why is that meek people are usually obstinate?) she complains in a really loud voice; she is a sore loser but an unpleasant winner (one precious afternoon of Uno which ended with all of us being exasperated beyond politeness and which I will live to regret) and she wears Hello Kitty hairpins. What?! People have been hated for less. Okay so I know love is blind and this self-induced blindness is part of the deal, yes. But who said love is brain dead too?

3>  The best friend got a kickass job that’s paying her the kind of money that makes me want to shoot her boyfriend and marry her. I think I will learn how to cook, do her laundry and stuff. I am anyway this super broke woman living off her parents and rich friends. So why not make this a permanent solution? Of course, housekeeping and socializing aren’t my strongest suits and faking servility, even when I should, doesn’t come to me naturally. But what the heck?

4>  R sometimes forgets that he doesn’t have many friends so he really can’t afford to be rude or unpleasant to the handful he has. I wonder how he made friends in the first place. (I , for one, only wanted to play Mafia II on his XBox and had an enormous crush on his brother.) Agreed that he has no measurable sense of humor, he feeds on screwing with people, he is an amoeba with an obnoxious attitude that guarantees lifelong sexual elimination and we all tell him, not so subtly or politely that he is one of nature’s biggest mistakes, but his heart is surprisingly in the right place. So we keep on reminding him that he needs to work on his social skills or otherwise we won’t want him in our zip codes anymore and will only turn up at his funeral to make sure that he is dead. (*This* wasn’t drama. )

5> I had a ball of a time insulting D’s ex in a public forum after she had humiliated him and the guy plain chickened out when we asked him to get back at her. I am not too good at being nice to people when I actually hate their guts. So one fine evening, I went WHAM and took her apart like a pro (I also suck at displaying any semblance of humility :|. But I am good, really.). Then we spent an hour or so explaining to the guy why it is important to be nice but also sometimes equally important to be ‘not’ nice and get mad at someone for every piece of crap he/she has thrown at him. But all that he did was thank me and declare that from that day onwards I am his hitman for all intent and purposes. I think the whole point of the exercise is all lost on him and there’s soon going to be another one-sided shouting match.

6>  My ex J wants relationship advice from me. He is a lovable loony and I adore him completely. But I had to politely tell him to get the insides of his head checked if he really thought I am the right person to give him advice on matters of the heart. (hello?! I was the immature, shallow, robot woman, the emotional equivalent of a sewer rat in the relationship and I am the one who dumped you in the first place, remember? But then I was also the one who told him to get on with his life and fed him lies such as how he deserves better than me and all that crap when he was beating himself up over the breakup. So I figure I am his go-to girl when it comes to asking for relationship advice. Haha! Quelle blague!). I didn’t know where to start and so started with the only topic I know and can speak on for hours – how not to repeat the mistakes he made with me, or rather I caused him to make. Of course it required slamming myself more than I’d have liked but I won’t lose sleep over that (of course I can sleep. I have no conscience).

7> I read Kabul Disco and fell in love with Nicholas Wild. Who thought that an educational comic book on Afghan Constitution and post-War grim realities of the Afghan ways of life could be so hilarious that the people at the bookstore would throw dirty looks at you because you are making weird sounds while laughing helplessly?

8>  I went to the doctor who is also a favorite brother and promised him that I will quit having fries and other obnoxiously tasty unhealthy food for good, only to be caught chomping on KFC Crispy Chicken by aforementioned brother. How am I supposed to know that he did not understand that oath was just a figure of speech and that was only how much I can grow up? So I tried explaining to him that the head that made that promise is not the same that broke it but he looked noble and wounded as only the self-righteous could. We went from not talking to bitching about each other to respective parents. (Yes we are real mature like that only! 😀 ). It didn’t help though that he is the parental fantasy child (doctor from reputed medical school in the Obama land) while I am the family black ‘lamp black’ sheep (engineering degree from prestigious institute with kickass job in kickass company that won’t come to any use because I am going for a job “no respectable girl from our family will ever think of doing” )

9>  College is over for good. I could barely contain my glee and keep myself from breaking into an impromptu jig while almost everyone around me hugged and shed tears and made fake promises of keeping in touch. J and I were grinning from ear to ear like idiots but had to look suitably mournful and pose for pictures with huge fake plastic smiles. I also made it a point to walk out of the department with the HOD watching and expecting me to come up to him, touch his feet, seek blessings which he would categorically deny me and do drama. We hated each other’s guts and it was one of the worst kept secrets in the department. He never left any opportunity of humiliating me for not sucking up to him and me being me, I generously returned the favor. On the last day of college I basically did him a favor by walking out of the department without as much as a fake “bhalo thakben sir” (stay well sir). Because I didn’t wish to do anything short of shooting him between the eye.

10>  I am happy that D doesn’t think I am a freeloader.  🙂 The guy is a goddamn saint who pays for movie tickets, popcorn, the extra cheese for the popcorn, the cabs, the drinks, the books, magazines, cheap iced lollies, phone topups (and I am this ass who hasn’t bothered to return most of his calls) and what not! I have ignored him for days (And not intentionally. That’s just how I flip out sometimes. 😦 ), I have yelled at him for being so goddamn nice all the time, I have basically fed on being mean to him. And the guy, the irritatingly sweet, uncomplaining idiot that he is, basically keeps on spoiling me and providing me with fodder to yell at him more. And he is not even my freaking boyfriend. So one day we had this argument where I imagined him thinking I am a freeloader and blamed him for everything (which is pretty much something I do to him all the time). Five minutes into the psychotic rant conversation he was lost. Now D has a special way of dealing with me which works like magic every time I become this…whatever it is that I become. Later at night I realized that if he had to hate and kill me he’d have done it long time ago. So I am convinced whatever the guy does is out of sheer kindness of the heart and that I *am* the best friend who kicks other people’s ass for him and he loves me unconditionally 🙂 . I LOVE D. He’s my best friend, rich best friend at that, so more reasons to love him 😀 . J. Also the other day I was comparing the HOD to an obnoxious robot man and he assured me that the history of science fiction is not exactly on his side so he *will* die a horrible death. An ‘aha! In your face loser!’ moment indeed!

So there. I am expecting a “done? that’s it?” from you now.

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