In the wake of disillusionment comes the inevitable jaded cynicism, a general bitterness that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, flashes of moments when you have been extraordinarily stupid/juvenile/blind/all three of them. The realization kind of sets you free.But at the end of the day it is not a good realization. To know that you believed in something for so long for nothing. That it’s all a big fucking lie. And you have nobody else to blame but your fucking self because nobody had asked you to start believing in the first place. It was you and your asinine logic which found it justified to believe that what you can see is the truth when it so fucking is not, just a big beautiful lie, so beautiful that you want to believe in it, you don’t want to wake up from the dream, you don’t want to stop smiling.
And then,whaam! you’re thrown back into reality one fine evening/night. That’s when you start questioning where you went wrong, why you did in the first place and why didn’t you accept the fact that what you want and what you can have are two entirely fucking different things, in spite of having said this to a zillion people a zizillion times?
Grow up. Know something. That you cannot always have what you want.So don’t want things you know you can’t have/are risky. Learn to cut your losses, learn to analyze and understand your capacity. It’s all fucking easy to smile and lose your mind and believe all is right with the world again. But it’s not. It’s just your delusional self, too afraid to accept the truth.
Let go. It will hurt. But let go. Between happiness and peace, choose the latter. Because happiness can be a big fat lie. But peace exists only when there is truth. Protect yourself. Self-preservation is important.
Just grow up.
P.S: Speaking in second person gives such a sense of security no? Albeit false. I can spare myself all the lecture, relieve myself of feeling lost and stupid, stupid stupid…my least favorite feeling on earth. But then, I am too shallow to piece disconnected sentences in my head to form coherent meaning.I am good at being goofy. So I go back to my world leaving behind what I cannot be. I cannot be brave enough to realize I have been believing a big fat lie all this while. Life doesn’t always give you what you want. But you can give yourself a chance to protect yourself and make the best of things near you.
It was a long long period of blindness. It was a long short period of intense fucked up stupidity and naivete-the kind that makes your insides squirm. Now I know better.