Okay I have writer’s block and everytime I sit down to write something,half-way through it I get stuck in a grammatical bog.or fall victim to inadequate expressions.Yes I admit,I am grammatically challenged. And it’s getting worse day by day.I spend minutes….hell..a lot of time to figure out why a particular piece of writing sounds bad and where I went wrong and blah blah blah.
Okay,if I’m boring you with my random ramblings,I’d ask you to make peace with my rants because a>I am a Libran and it’s one of the idisyncrasies of my sunsign b>it’s the festive season and you need to be on your best mood. The point is I am very kicked at the moment and don’t know what I am writing or why.Just that there’s this urge to write whatever shit comes to my head.
I realised that I am nothing without my friends.Yes.period.there was a time when I have stayed away from them due to unavoidable circumstances.When I tried to come back,I felt hesitant,thinking that maybe they’ve outgrown me.Maybe I am not wanted anymore.The thing is I dont care.I dont think about it.I try to spend as much time as possible with them to make up for the lost time,to get a glimpse of their lives from which I cut myself off.To laugh at the silliest possible jokes,walk round the college talking people’s heads off,eat enormous meals and scramble to get someone else to pay the bills,gossip like old women over innumerable cups of coffee,talk our hearts out,make plans which eventually don’t work out,spend hours strumming the guitar and singing completely out of tune in the fields….all the small little things which I’ll never experience again after say one-and-half year. I realise just how much incomplete I am without these people-people who are there,without any nets,conditions and the likes.People with whom I need not feel worried,or tensed or on my guard all the time.I can just be myself with them knowing fully they’ll hardly give a damn if ?I have all my hairs out of places or my clothes are old and fading or I am too dumb to understand a joke.
I think it’s not in my genes to lose weight and look thin.Like I am not supposed to be thin. God didnt make me this way(okay,all you people who sneer at my pathetic excuses…you can always give it a break). I am supposed to be plump and round always.SO I give up dieting.Actually I realised it about 30 minutes back when I was gorging on an enormous steak and pizza with Banglu,Krishno and Abhi.I’ll stay perennially chubby and be happy and try to convince myself that I am not too bad this way.and all you people who are planning to turn up your dainty noses and look down upon me,I ask you to be happy and let things be :). Be with all the beautiful people in the world and leave me at peace.
I think I need anger management therapy.I am perennially angry at every small little things.Somewhere down the line the inner calm is lost.or needs time to recover.But I am working on it.
I am forever grateful to Tutuldada for calling me up at 3 in the night when I was scared-sick and was almost in hysterics and talking my head off :).(Yes I remember us talking about John Denver,Calvin & Hobbes, Famous Five,earthquakes,broomsticks peeping from behind the door et all) And I hope he never reads this and finds out that I referred to him as ‘Tuttuldada’ in a public forum.
I think I love business. No. I know I love business.I also want to design arms.and work in espionage.
I love a lot of things.I love languages,cards,cars,stock market,Monopoly,war movies,content writing.Basically almost everything under the sun interests me.And if it does,I have to go and try it out.As my friend Anirban says,I am always doing something boring or the other.To Anirban,I’d like to say,I can’t help what I am doing,I find everything intriguing :).
I hate groupism and meanness.And I am really pissed at someone sometimes.Like bigtime.But I cant bring myself to stay that way for long.It’s one word and I am sorted.fuckit.
I think Angshuman and Sukanya are the awwwest couple on this earth :). I love them and pray that they’re ALWAYS together. God bless you two.
Women are much comfort.They take you shoe shopping when you’re down,never complain about your weight when you’re having an icecream and fighting your guilt, always say the truth when you ask them about a particular outfit,never crib if you have lost direction,puts up with you patiently when you’re haggling with the shopkeeper for a better bargain or cant decide which earring to buy and they always always love to go shopping come hail or high water. To all the women in my life without whom I’d have been incomplete-Ma,Thamma,Dida,Choi,Ching,Sreya,Alaka,Amrita,Jayati,Reah,Swetha,Trina,Sukanya,Nami and everyone else….thank you for being.I love you all.
I have given up listening to John Denver.Elvis Presley is hidden underneath a layer of dust.Joni Mitchell is groaning under the yellowed pages smelling of mothballs.Romcoms were a part of yesteryear.( pliss to ignore that I cried my heart out after watching PS, I love you).
There was a time when something happened and I grew cynical doubtful.I suspected people of ulterior motives.I was angry,bitter,snarling mad.I needed to shout at someone and instead hurt myself sick. I wanted to get back at a few people.I was always sick.I lost the power of trusting someone,anyone completely.
Maybe I am still very cynical and doubt a lot.I still cant bring myself to feel less vindictive and angry. I am afraid to dream and believe in something good.I am even afraid to come to terms with the fact that I am vulnerable like every second person.But then I found something that saved me.
To wait takes a lot of patience.To wait without any expectation,to wait just for the sake of waiting without any hope or agenda,because waiting gives you the strength and urge to carry on with your life, takes guts.And I am working on it.I love waiting.I love the fact that I am alone and get jostled badly in crowded buses with no one to save me from an ungracious fall,that I run at breakneck speed to catch a bus narrowly escaping getting crushed under insane wheels with no one to shout at me, that I go watch movies alone,that I watch people and feel sad.not a little.
I love all this.
Because once you know that this waiting will carry you through turbulent times,make you feel more grounded,secure,rooted but not fettered,let you breathe in the rain-soaked air happily,gives you company even when you’re completely alone in a crowd,allows you to close your eyes and smile at the small little memories,lets you sit back feeling comforted and belonged and never leaves you, you can’t help but fall in love with it all over again.