Disclaimer: This is NOT an attention/consolation-seeking post.
Am I insensitive?
Am I hypomaniac,bordering on perpetual happiness and exuberance?
Do I come across to people as imposing?Do I force people to laugh even if they don’t feel like?Am I shallow?Don’t I feel anything?Don’t I have any deep-seated sorrow in my heart,something I’d like to talk about,in lyrical verses?Don’t I ever feel lonely or depressed?Do I feel forced-happy?Am I a sad lonely loser who has only her computer for company?Don’t I crave for warmth?Do I laugh at people’s miseries?Do I try to bail them out of it by making fun of their troubles?Don’t I understand the reasons behind people’s sadness?Am I not sad myself?Am I a hopeless in-your-face wannabe?Do I crave for success?Am I a snob?Am I plain dumb?Am I a bit retarded?Do I try to hard?Am I depraved?Am I a hypocrite?Am I a bloody poser?
I seriously have no idea why am I asking these questions.I just read somebody’s post and the comment following it.It was reeking of sadness.Not the kind which makes your insides go hollow.More likely when you’re missing someone desperately.And it’s not fake.And suddenly it struck me that how I have never written something really deep.My posts are all yuppy,if you know what I mean.They aren’t fake either.And it’s not done consciously.It’s more like I’m a bit unfeeling towards these feelings.And even if I ever manage to feel,my words won’t do justice to them.I am not armed with ample and suitable vocabulary.I’m often at aloss for words,literally and otherwise.It’s not like I don’t feel sad or something.I just forget things too easily.Or moving on has never been too difficult for me.Yes, I am thick-skinned if this is what it implies.I don’t understand why some people are so sad.I mean,I don’t understand the reason that makes them sad.They’re sad because they need a basic spike of emotion to fill their hearts with.Certain songs make them sad.Certain books,letters,movies.Like I feel a whiff of sadness while watching romantic comedies,knowing fully it’s going to have a fairytale ending.I feel sad when I listen to this song Rishtey or Alvida from Metro.Or listen to Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell.I think by making fun of people when they are sad(like laughing at someone’s bloated runny nose as a result of crying and ask him/her to fix it..something like that)I can somehow reduce their plight.or at least distract them.Maybe they resent me for it.Maybe they think I’m insensitive.I can’t help it.It’s how I am.I can’t sit and take someone’s hands in mine and coo comforting words.I have to laugh,to make others laugh and get a kick out of their problems.I am a clown.A miserable one at that.
It makes no sense just why I’m writing this.This is what the rain and random blog-reading does to me.It just doesn’t make any bloody sense.